Hey there, it's been a while! You're always on my mind but you happened to visit me in my dream a few nights ago. No idea where we were at, but it was a light crowd. Your face seemed uneasy knowing I was nearby. My heart began beating the moment I saw you because I already knew exactly what I was gonna say to you. "Hi Hnin I missed you and hope you're well!" And then just go onto to tell you everything I've been wanting to catch you up on for so long LOL. I shot for the COO of Davita and met the patients and nurses on the east coast that you were so close with! I watched a Burmese documentary on individuals that immigrated from your civil war. I watched odesza and it was the most beautiful thing I've EVER seen and cried my eyes out. I have a new business that I'm going to start have meetings about. Tayto is doing well and I gave her a haircut for the first time and accidently shaved her butt and I probably would have kept blurting out all these things not really expecting a reply from you. Then you were a little more at ease and gave me hug and walked away.
Macc asked me the other day what would happen if I saw you and this is exactly what I told her. I tell it to Kevin too. I've always wanted you to be happy and always want to create some type of warmth when I see you no matter what. I realized that you and I were never friends. We were lovers from the start and until the end. The moment we began to interact I never got to know you as a friend i immediately fell in love with you and I'm not sure that well ever end. I truly wish we didn't know we liked each other at first. I wished it was a slow burn as a friendship so you knew the version of me that cares so much without the jealousy and expectation to love. Anyways I hope you're well. I'm not embarrassed to write here. I could care less if you felt that you have this power over me that I still love you while you've moved on. I just felt like I needed to give you space so I wouldn't distract you to come here while you were in love with someone else. I will always love you, and my love will burn more deeply than anything you ever experience which is why I'm okay that you may never see this. I'm okay with navigating life on my own for a while. I'm okay that I experienced the love between us and not afraid if i may not find it again. I truly don't think I'll ever experience the love I did with you as we hold each other so hard crying about how much we love each other more than anything in this world. The world just doesn't hold anyone else quite similar to us. I'm surrounded by lots of love from friends but I recognize that it's not quite the love between us.
Wow I forgot how it felt to talk to you. It's just all been in my journal for so long. I don't think I could ever move on if it feels this relieving to talk to you lol I still feel so connected after all this time.
I couldn't sleep last night because I knew it was over between us. And yet I still feel that we weren't meant to move on from each other. There's just some voids that will never be filled in both our hearts. A portion no one else will ever touch. It's realizing that true love exists, but fairy tales do not. That unconditional love for you is something that I have even in this moment. How could it be anything else? Lovin you is easy, and hating you will always be hard. Not because of our actions towards each other, but because of who we are deep inside. From our physical intimacy as we held each other and said I love you in our last night to all of the mundane moments in between where the simplest version of you lit me up.
Thanks for showing me your true self these past years. Thank you for allowing me to be vulnerable and you being vulnerable to me. Vulnerability is the essence of connection and connection to others is existence. And being with you felt like a reason to exist.
And in some distant place in the future when I see you in our new lives I will smile with joy and think to laying in your lap in the park, saying we love each other in bed with tayto at our feet, and everything we learned from each other. My heart is so heavy right now, and I feel so hurt, but I cant hold onto this bitter feeling. I loved you, I love you, and I will always love you.
-Nay
